A SIGN OF THE TIMES

Signs & Ads At a Budapest zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor's office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

My favorite **** Booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES:IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

On an Athi River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

In a Pumwani maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.

In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

Hotel elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

Hotel, Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Supermarket, Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.

>From the "Soviet Weekly": THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.

In an East African newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

In a Swiss mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

  
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A Mini and a Rolls were stopped at a crossroads, side by side. The Mini owner signaled the Rolls to let his window down and asked him
-- "Do you have a telephone ??"
The Rolls owner replied "OF COURSE I have a telephone !!"
Mini owner: "Do you have a fax machine ??"
Rolls: "CERTAINLY !"
Mini : "Do you have a double bed in your back seat ??"
Rolls: "Well, no, I do not."
The Mini sped off.
The Rolls owner (determined not to be outdone by the Mini) raced directly to his local garage and had a fold-away King sized bed installed in his back seat. A couple of weeks later the Rolls was driving along a country road and spotted the same Mini alongside the road. He stopped, got out, and noticed the Mini was rocking back and forth and the windows were all steamed up. Thinking this his last chance to show up the Mini owner, he knocked on the rear quarter window. The Mini owner stuck his head out and said
-- "Can I help you ?"
The Rolls owner said "I have had a FOLD-AWAY KING SIZE BED installed in my car !!"
The Mini Owner replied: "You got me out of the shower to tell me that ???"

YOU CAN'T FOOL A WOMAN

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.."
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.
The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there." .
If you're not sure what a 710 is, click here
cl
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A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic.
So he found out from his local tech college what was involved, signed up for
evening classes and attended diligently, learning all he could. When time
for the practical exam approached, he prepared carefully for weeks, and
completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was
surprised to find that he had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, he
called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such
an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which
needed adjusting." The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the
engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the
engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I
gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust pipe..."
A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop askes
for his drivers license and the guy says, "I'm sorry officer, but my
license was suspended."The cop askes for his registration and the guy says, "It's in the glove
compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole this car in a car
jacking and I killed the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the
trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment. At this point the
cop tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and he radios for back-up.

When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he walks up
to the guy in the car. The supervisor asks to see the guy's drivers
license and the guy hands it over and it is valid with the guys real
name and information.

The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy says, "It's in theGlove compartment." The supervisor tells the guy to keep his hands in
sight and walks around to the passenger side and opens the glove
compartment. There is the registration in the guys name and everything
seems in order.Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open the trunk. The guyopens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire.
At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the other cop had told
him. The guy replies "I bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding
too!"

If cars were like computers
At a recent computer exposition, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If General Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating: "If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1.For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2.Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3.Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. 4.You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason, you would simply accept this.
5.Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
6.Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive -- but would run on only five percent of the roads.
7.The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.
8.The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
9.Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
10.Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
11.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

70 Station Road .Whitstable. Kent.CT5 1LF Phone 01227 272460
Our Mini Body Shells are completly rebuild using new panels where appropiate.They are finished to as good as new standard in primer.The price is £1,200.00 inc V.A.T
Body shells can be finish painted to your choice of colour

We hold large stocks of good used mechanical parts.We estimate the cost of an as good as new Mini using one of our shells to be between 2000 to 3000 pounds Please Phone 01227 272460 for further information or